From the Pastor’s Study 7/23/23
Earlier this year, I read a fascinating autobiography of evangelist, pastor, and educator, Ed Nelson. Published just after Nelson’s death at the advanced age of 98, A Sinner Saved By Grace, catalogued a long, broad, and interesting life.
One chapter was particularly sad. An adult son asked for a private meeting with Nelson just two hours before he was to preach his own father’s funeral. The son told him that he was severing all ties with him, his mother, and the rest of his family. He wanted no communication from that time forward. In spite of prayers and hopes for better things, at the time of the writing of this book, 35 years had passed without word from this son Nelson raised and loved.
What happened with Nelson’s son was strange and unexpected (he had close relationships with his three other children). But his experience is not unique. In my own life and ministry, I have encountered family estrangement or “the ignore parents” situation numerous times.
No one would criticize someone for distancing themselves from parents who were abusive or a potential danger to the safety of grandchildren. But in the cases with which I am familiar, parents who never mistreated their children have been completely shut out of their lives. Apparently, this is a common phenomenon. A Cambridge University study showed that one out of five individuals in the UK experience some form of family estrangement. A New York Times article asserts that one in four Americans are living with an active estrangement. A piece in the Atlantic Monthly observed, “You can be a conscientious parent, and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older.”
The obvious question is, why is this happening? Psychologists and family therapists who have studied the issue suggest several reasons: divorce, religion, financial considerations, cultural disapproval, and even politics. It seems that the “cancel culture” mentality (the contemporary idea of isolating, ignoring, and censoring people with whom you disagree) has invaded families. As well, a perverse view of autonomy and self-determination is leading many to think they can change the unchangables in life, such as race, sex, and now parentage.
Stephanie Coontz, the director of education and research for the Council on Contemporary Families wrote, “Never before have family relationships been seen as so interwoven with the search for personal growth, the pursuit of happiness… For most of history, family relationships were based on mutual obligations rather than on mutual understanding. Parents or children might reproach the other for failing to honor/acknowledge their duty, but the idea that a relative could be faulted for failing to honor/acknowledge one’s ‘identity’ would have been incomprehensible.”
In Exodus 20, God gives Moses the Ten Commandments, which summarizes man’s obligation to God and to others. The first commandment having to do with human relationships is not “Thou shalt not kill.” It is instead, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Showing respect and care for parents is not based on whether such a relationship is perceived as contributing to our happiness. It is based on our relationship with the Almighty and the duties He has prescribed for us. When an adult child decides to have no contact with a parent who is no threat to them or their children, they do three things: They violate God’s word. They disrupt the social order God designed for mankind. They deliberately inflict emotional pain on those who brought them into the world and raised them. In so doing, they not only dishonor their parents, they dishonor God.
Concerning their parents, adult children need to recognize that there are other concerns in life besides what we perceive contributes to our personal happiness.